Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
You Might Also Like
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
Lmbo
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.