Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
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Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
Baller is short for ballerina
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”