Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
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We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward