One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
You Might Also Like
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
Just so funny
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.