Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
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Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.