The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
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Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
Has there ever been a more American story?
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school