Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
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How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
Win every argument by producing a cute puppy from your pocket every time your opponent agrees with you and putting it away sadly whenever they don’t.
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh