When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
You Might Also Like
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
they should invent a hydrating liquor
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?