it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
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’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
peeping toms
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog