Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
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I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”