You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
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Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show