Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
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It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
Wordle 241 1/6
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Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
Unimpressed