[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
You Might Also Like
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
Oh yeah that’s it
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
#MeanwhileinCanada
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door