“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
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We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!