[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
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Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
water it, i dare you
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.