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It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
Nothing makes me get up faster than my 6yo walking by me with a bottle of Elmer’s glue.
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED