guys i’ve cracked the code
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My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
ME: So you’re into football?
DATE: I’m a big Eagles fan.
ME: Omg same. I just love how they rescued Frodo from that mountain.
HER: I need to see other people.
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys