Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
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Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.