Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
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* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
beware of dog
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.