When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
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I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!