Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
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Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
can I use a minion as a tampon
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.