why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
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Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
i hope my email finds you on fire
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
Did…did a minotaur write this
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.