Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
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“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
I’m awake but I object,
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
New Tinder profile.