I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
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Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.