Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
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A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
also my go-to takeaway order
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.