doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
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everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
the composer
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.