Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
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A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
🤯🤯🤯
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.