Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
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[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
The old gods are rising again.
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts