Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
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How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom