Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
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[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
this… may be the greatest story ever told
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.