my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
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You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!