Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
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Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
🥶🥶🐶🐶
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”