Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
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You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.