I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
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Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident