Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
You Might Also Like
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
Wordle is trying to tell me something
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
đźź©đźź©đźź©đźź©đźź©
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
peep davidson
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.