[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
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Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.