90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
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[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.