McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
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Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
Brilliant!
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
what it’s like dating me:
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers