Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
You Might Also Like
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
Drivers in my town ignore crosswalks. If they had shot the Abbey Road album cover in my town, there would’ve been one or two fewer Beatles.
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”