My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
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One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
penguins are just ducks going to a wedding
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
Okay, I’m still confused…
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”