MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
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“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
True freaking story!
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.