“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
You Might Also Like
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes