Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
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NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha