People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
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Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
Lmfaoooooo
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.