i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
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Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.