[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
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I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
The struggle is real.
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh