[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
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If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.