At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
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Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]