I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
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“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
And bowling should be called pinball
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.