Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
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wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
2 years later
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash